In reading the book, Lord Disciple Me, by Richard Mull, (after having read two books on healing), my question becomes, “Ok Lord, now what? What do you want me to do? Please show me, speak to me directly. Lead me.”
Two weeks ago at prayer group something was revealed to me going back to February 1988. It was the first time I had hayfever really bad and it went into my chest and became bronchitis for the first time. Ever since then, I get hay fever at the same time of year and it often becomes bad enough to become bronchitis.
On her way out the door, Joanne (who left before we were finished) yelled back, “Gerrie, think about why it goes back to 1988!” 1988 is when I was laid off the Deaf Program. I was devastated. I was angry. I was upset. I lost a lot of sleep, and got sicker and sicker. After facing it and forgiving people, I’m much better. But…
At the time I was mad at Joe, the head of Church Administration dept., but held on to the premise that it was from God, and that for some reason He was moving me out (as in God puts people where He wants in the Body of Christ). I felt like a piece of me was ripped out of my heart. So cerebrally at least I didn’t “blame” Joe in that sense, but in a way I did, for it was gender prejudice.
The church has a lot of that. Some denominations do ordain women and allow them to preach. We allow women to preach (well, we call it giving a talk, I suppose), but we don’t ordain women. There are scriptures that seem to indicate one way, and others that seem to “nullify” the forbidding of women preachers.
Of course the understanding we had in 1988 is what led to Joe’s decision. I don’t know what would happen today in our church in that situation.
I was just now writing all this to a friend who has “mentored” me in many ways. As I wrote, it dawned on me: yes, I’ve forgiven Joe. But I haven’t “let go” of it yet. Our denomination is still in the process of a study of scripture to see whether it is justified to ordain women. Before anybody throws their two cents into that one, let me just say I see enough scripture to see myself that it’s not a “big deal”…that God definitely does work through women (and names like Kathryn Kuhlman, Aime Semple McPherson, etc., women mentioned in the book of Acts, etc., come to mind, as well as things mentioned in a blog by LynnGail several days ago). My feeling about “ordination” is that if God wants to use a woman, ordaining her or not is moot.
A friend who was my instructional aide for 2 years whom God used to bring me back to Him is in ministry. She talks about the need for a husband to be her “covering” in her ministry. I’m not sure about that. But what do I know? I’m new to this stuff!
I mentioned several posts back that in the list of gifts of the Holy Spirit (I Cor. 12), the gift of healing stood out as my “wish”, my “asking for the moon” gift I’d love to have above all others. Why? Because when I read the list I thought, well, I’m not a preacher, I have no real desire to prophecy, Lisa (my former aide) does that. Gift of teaching, well, yeah, I’m a good teacher, but it’s a big responsibility to teach the word, and God already has enough teachers. Oh, but healing, now that could really help people if I could do that. And last was the gift of tongues, which I did ask for, knowing full well that it was “for me”, for my prayer life.
If I am not sure what to do or what God wants, I hold back. I’m timid. But once I am sure of what I’m doing and what I’m supposed to do and what God wants, I’m bold and tenacious and wild elephants won’t drive me from the path. And I’m not just saying that, I’ve seen myself in both timidity and boldness.
I’m not sure whether God wants me to do a “healing ministry.” But I am seeing that for sure I’m supposed to be studying (and I am). I’m supposed to be fasting and praying for guidance (and I am). I crave to be so close to God that I hear His voice both from scripture and literally. If I am headed for that kind of service, I am definitely expected to prepare (I’m trying to). And I think part of that is that I need to let go of the past and let go of my own prejudices and expectations.
Now. How do I do that?
And then, how will I know when (or even if?) it’s time to forge ahead without being presumptuous? This is what I want to hear from the Lord. It’s HIS work, HIS body, HIS spirit. A pastor friend said to just ask a person if they’d like to be prayed for (after they’ve told you a need, of course), and usually they will comply…. I’ve tried it… to me they have said, “that’s ok, not now.” 
Just thinking out loud… and asking the Lord to speak to me, even through someone who reads this, if it be His will to do so.
Love to all,
Gerrie
Comments (3)
Hi– I love your post. What’s important is you want to serve God in your own way. Jesus said “ask and you shall receive.”
In my own walk with Jesus, I’ve learned that when I let go of past hurts, peace and joy overcome my soul. I’ve read that if we don’t let go and we hang on to those thoughts of people who hurt our feelings, it sort of resentment that stays inside us. Jesus wants us to totallly erase it from our memory, the way God erases our sins from His records once we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior where we ask Him forgiveness for our sins.
For whatever it’s worth, healing starts with you. God heals you already, it’s just up to you to accept that in your heart and let go of what our enemy is telling you to not let go because if you do, you are putting your guards down and you will be susceptible to being hurt again. We are humans and capable to hurt and be hurt again and again, but the difference with us is we have the Holy Spirit within us–our Teacher, Comforter and Healer.
Remember that if God wants you to do a particular thing he will enable you to do it. It is Christ in you that allows you to be able to handle a particular ministry. “For I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I know what you mean about the timidity and the boldness as well. I use to be so shy and I felt called to do some things but I was so scared because of my shyness. God took my shyness away after 40 some odd years! I can’t even explain it, it is like it happened over night. God will prepare you for the ministry He calls you to. It doesn’t mean you will necessarily be totally confident that you can do it. But once you try it, and you begin to be comfortable with it and are enjoying it then I believe you are where He wants you. I have been called to do different things in different stages in my life also. It is amazing to see how God can work through any one of us! Blessings, Debbie
Hi! I just came across your site, and I think this post is very insightful. Forgiving and letting go are very important. I have been learning how to let go of things in my past, especially since early 2005 when I had to deal with various situations in my life. Me being a songwriter, all of the those situations spawned a song called “Let it Go.” I knew that was God telling me that I need to let go of the past. It’s not easy at times, but definitely worth it I hear.
Now that women being ordaned is very interesting. When I was in middle school, I went to private Christian school that was in a church that believed that women shouldn’t be pastors. This idea leaked into the school I recall in our Bible classes each week the boys got the opportunity to speak on a topic in front of the class and the girls could not. I am not one for public speaking, but ministering at that time appealed to me, and I began to ask if I could teach on a topic in class. I got a couple of no’s and a maybe that turned into a no as that portion of Bible discontinued.
I also recall the classic arguement I had with two of my female classmates about women preaching situation. (This was right b4 I learned to not argue with other Christians about Christian principles.) They gave me the scripture somewhere in Cor. that I learned later it is misintepreted–about the women in the church were told to be quiet. People have taken this to the extreme and think women shouldn’t talk or preach at all, but really it is talking about how there is a time to talk and time to listen. That the women need to follow the protocol of how to speak for themselves at the appropriate time.
After the Bishop at our church passed, his wife stepped in as the senior pastor of the church. It wasn’t that big of an adjustment since she and Bishop preached together, and she began to preach alone every Sunday while Bishop was battling sickness and fighting for his life. She, along with Bishop b4 he died, constantly taught on the scripture that says that there is either male nor female, Jew or Greek when it comes to who is standing on the altar.
At least your church allows the women to speak. My middle school and its church didn’t then, it was a free will baptist church. My church is non demominational church. What demomination are you in?